Category Archives: Yale and FES

A Note from the Field

There is something…special about the perspective you gain in the moment when, struggling to walk along the sheer edge of a bari, or rice paddy, in a monsoonal downpour, boots soaked with water and riddled with leeches, and panic rising into your throat as you contemplate yet another day of not finishing even a fraction of what you set out to accomplish, you are able to pull back, up, and away from your little personal tragedy, like a dramatic shot from a helicopter in a docu-drama, and see the bigger picture of where you are, what you’re doing, and why.  For me, yesterday, the big picture came into focus in almost the exact same moment as when I slipped off the sheer face of the bari, mud wall cascading down and flooding the plot I sought to circumnavigate, and fell into the six inch deep pool of rainwater, mud, and more than a few tadpoles and leeches it contained. Oh, for the love of god. What the hell am I doing here?

I wondered, in that precise moment, how exactly it had come to pass that someone so ordinary and (let’s be honest) in almost all ways unremarkable as myself came to be here in Nepal, having this epic adventure almost by accident, scaling bari walls, peeling off blood-swollen slugs, rain dripping in torrents down the length of my nose, datasheets tucked securely into a waterproof folder and under an armpit, in such a way which, were it put to film, would look like something straight out of National Geographic Adventure. Who am I that I thought I could do this? And why didn’t I ask National Geographic for funding??

If not National Geographic, at least, I and my dramatic fall from the rice paddy could probably qualify for a stint on National Geographic’s “Greatest Bloopers in the field,” were they ever to create that show.

As I extracted my right boot from the muddy water with a great sucking “sploosh!” and the displacement of more than a few fledgling rice seedlings, I saw with great clarity and more than a little bit of humility that in coming to Nepal I have found, and achieved, much more than I ever bargained for, or even ever contemplated in my wildest dreams. Even if I am only half done with my forest sampling. And even, in fact, were I never to complete any of my forest sampling. The point is I made it happen – I came, I saw, and I experienced. I was right in the middle of it, so vividly and all-consumingly engaged in the culture and the science that for awhile I stopped seeing what I was and being myself, and just got the work done. And I wondered, standing in six inches of soggy rice bari, if maybe that wasn’t the point, afterall.

We were rained out, in some manner or other, for three days this week, which felt a lot like the moment in softball right before you get hit by one of those wild windmill pitches that were so popular in high school, and yet so hard to throw. You see the ball is coming towards you and attempt to react and dodge it, but know deep down inside that the ball is going to hit you hard on one of the soft parts of your body, and leave a bruise. Most of the time when this happens, as I recall, you swing anyway.

So we swung away three days in a row, making the early morning trip to field sites, eating breakfast, getting all ready to go before having our plans crushed by the uncontrollable, by the weather. The first day we did all of the sampling in a forest called Puranapani (Old Waters) with the exception of three 10×10 meter plots, before we got rained out. We attempted to wait the rain out over tea, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t continue for three days, until this morning.

The second day we attempted a different forest, promising ourselves we’d return to Puranapani to finish in the early morning on our next “day off,” which is currently being pushed farther and farther away. This one was called Alaichibari Tin Khola Pari Pakha (which means something about the former Lychee plantation by the junction of three rivers), and were trumped by one of the rivers, which had swollen to a raging mass of gray water and tumbling stones. I felt mild trepidation at the size of the river, but was determined to cross it, until I turned around to see my entire team (which as I said, shifts personalities almost daily) huddled under umbrellas, ensconced in my raingear, and looking decidedly uninterested in crossing any river in that moment. As many Nepalis, including two of my regular assistants, can’t swim at all, I could somewhat empathize, but it was with great chagrin that I received word via Bina’s translation that the community forest president, a kind of contemporary village chieftain, was refusing to give me the support of any of his community members until the river waters went down. We weren’t going anywhere, and so instead I stood on the banks of the river, looking woefully across at the itty-bitty bit of forest we had hoped to sample (something like 10.63 hectares), and watched another storm, and more rain, roll in.

So we returned to the Hemja Rangepost from which we’d started, to regroup (as you may have noticed, we do a lot of regrouping in these parts), where after a long and circuitous conversation about potential alternatives, the forest guard offered to take us to one of my less accessible forests, Majuwa, where we could stay the night before beginning work early the next morning, rain hopefully notwithstanding.

I know I mentioned at the outset of my field research days that I was anticipating nights spent in the community forest villages, but there was a sort of – invisible barrier – preventing me from reaching this now overwhelmingly apparent-seeming conclusion, and from actually going to the community to take the data in the forests there. It took this Forest Guard looking me in the eye and asking me if I wanted to go (now?) to get me to actually articulate, and realize, that – yes – I do want to go now. Or at least, that I did.

What followed was stupidly expensive, exhausting, and productive. We three student-types rushed back to Pokhara to gather our things for the night, as the forest guard would only take us if we returned within two hours, in order to make the “two to three hour” hike in. Upon arriving we hurtled ourselves up the hill, until I began to drag behind a bit, and the pace slowed. We arrived at the community forest president’s home (a different cf president) in Majuwa in the early evening, and plopped ourselves down on the picnic table style bench set facing the modest shop that fronted his home, where we chatted like a bunch of casual hikers until the forest guard saw his opening, and asked if we could stay the night. It was that quick.

In Nepal, it is customary in the villages to be able to ask for a night’s lodging and food, without much eyebrow raising involved. It is difficult to get into and out of the villages, in many parts of the country, and monsoonal weather, bandhs (strikes), political unrest, landslides, and other uncontrollable events somewhat regularly necessitate a stay with people and families who are otherwise unknown. The Nepali habit of calling all older male family members “uncle” and the same of the women “aunt” means there is a much larger network of people who could generously be called one’s family, upon which a person can rely for lodging, but in the case that no one is known to you, you are not quite so out of luck as you would be in the good old U.S. of A.

So we knew we would find a place to sleep, but it is a strange thing to politely and conversationally invite yourself into someone else’s home, and to displace their teenage son from his room in the process. In the end, Bina and I took what was undoubtedly the nicer room in the two story, concrete slab constructed home, with two wooden bed platforms, upon which a mattress was constructed out of woven mats layered and then covered with the remnants of an old comforter – one so far gone and thin with wear that we in the US might be more likely to reserve it for the comfort and use of a pet than for people. The “mattress” was paired with a thick covering comforter, also made of old blankets folded into a kind of thin, cheap, and threadbare duvet cover of sorts. This kind of bed is fairly typical of Nepal, and despite the dramatic differences from what we are accustomed to in the States, it’s really quite comfortable. We had purchased a mosquito coil to burn on our way up the hill because the windows have permanent open slats at the top for ventilation, and it was thus that we spent the night. The young male student and the forest guard stayed in the little mud and brick house that was behind the building with the storefront, likely in similar accommodation but in a more traditional style of room.

Before dinner we walked down the hill to the forest’s edge with several important men of the community forest, who told us about the forest, it’s boundary, the number of strata (subdivisions made according to forest species composition, or management type), and provided other logistical information. Bina and our current student assistant were good about translating for me, and as we spoke little children seemed veritably to climb out of the bushes and down from the hills, until we were flanked by a little posse of children of all ages, twelve in number. They stood at our elbows and nosed into the circle to listen and peak at a map the cf treasurer was drawing, and a group of small girls stood at my right arm, running their fingers up and down my forearm as they admired the green glass choora I’m wearing at present, as this month in the Nepali calendar is a month in which women are especially reverent, and wear green glass bracelets for one of the female gods who cares for women, and red glass bracelets for the health, well-being, and good fortune of their husbands. I myself was gifted an armload of both red and green bracelets from a female Range Post staff member and so have been wearing them daily, but removed the red ones in a hurry after a male Nepali friend suggested that since I’m single, perhaps my red bracelets are ensuring the health, well-being, and good fortune of my ex-boyfriend! I’ll be having none of that, thank you very much.

And so the girls gigglingly perused my relatively pale white arms with their little tanned fingertips while I struggled to catch the details in Nepali, before making the trek back up the hill to kill time and wait for khana (dinner, or rice). While we were down there we had the community forest’s treasurer make a map of the forest and the different strata for us on a little piece of paper, something I’d like to explore the use of in future fieldwork. I’m interested in the relationship between what the community forestry members know or think is present, and what’s actually there, and have found so far (in a qualitative, not quantitative sense) that they are extremely accurate in their mapping, knowledgeable about their forests, and cognizant about the forest boundaries, despite their appearing to be one, big, contiguous forest to you or me. This indigenous knowledge is something we talked about a lot this last year at Yale, and it’s a compelling, fascinating element of understanding forest management, in my very recent experience.

After such a long and crazily energy intensive (but unproductive) day, we chowed down hard on dinner, and it was delicious. The food in the communities is generally produced by the family serving it, or by their neighbors, and you can taste the difference. I reveled in the delicious food, eaten in a smoky, mud-walled kitchen room in the back building while we were seated on the floor on little woven straw mats, Indian-style. The Nepali students eat their food extremely quickly, like it’s about to up and disappear in front of them, which is consistent with people throughout Nepal, from what I’ve seen. I attempted to the same once or twice, but found that all it made me want to do was burp, so have reverted to the slower, relish-the-moment style of American food consumption. Which means, of course, that when everyone else is finished slurping the last bits of Daal (lentils) out of their little metal bowl, I’m still sloppily scooping up wet bits of Daal Bhaat in my fingertips, achar and tarkaari mixed in for flavor.

On this night we went back to the room after dinner to chat a bit, and then retired early, anticipating an early morning of work to wrap the plot up promptly. I had brought the smaller of my two backpacking sleeping bags, which looked incredibly incongruous and synthetic in the very organic, rustic setting, but provided a soft, soothing, sense of home and comfort to me as I finished brushing the creepy crawlies off my bed. I love sleeping in a sleeping bag (and would do so all the time if that wouldn’t be such a weird thing for my friends to see!), so was glad to settle into the bag in the surprisingly chilly evening air, pulling the head part of the mummy bag up behind me and the sides close around my shoulders. I fell asleep in an instant, and awoke in the morning to the most delightful mountain chill (and copious amounts of fog) I’ve experienced in all of my time in Nepal. It was fantastic, and I dragged lethargically as I pulled myself from my sleep, reminding myself that it was my project we were there to do, after all.

What followed was a fairly productive, fairly enjoyable day in the forest, made more so by the community forest treasurer’s apparent interest in my research/me, and his funny, intrigued questions and thoughtful use of the English language in articulating them. The day passed almost effortlessly, in fact, and before I knew it we had wrapped up Majuwa community forest, had finished plucking a few lingering slimy leeches from our shins and toes, and were relishing one last delicious daal bhaat meal before tearing down the mountain, out to catch a bus and cruise back to Ban Campus, and home.

I wrote this post on July 30th after a long day in the field, but haven’t had a moment to do the editing since, which is why it’s only being posted now. I’m in Lakeside (again! I know, I know) for the day to do more data entry, in anticipation of our last, week-long blitz on the community forests of Nepal. By my count we are eight field days shy of done, and – please god – let those be some fiercely sun-shiney days. Eight days from now is one day after my personal deadline, and a little over a week from my departure flight, giving me some time to relax, explore the area some more, and maybe even have some fun(!)

I am awed by the pace of this experience, though, and by how much I’ve learned and how little I did, in terms of the original scale of my project (and the latter is not necessarily a bad thing). I knew it would need to be cut down in size and all-inclusiveness from the get-go, but find at the moment a certain wistfulness coming over me, a chagrin at all the good questions thus far left unanswered, and a hesitation to leave without doing so many of the academic, social, and recreation activities I aspired to, in my naïve early days in the country. At the same time I am pretty damn proud of my progress, how much I’ve learned, and even more so, how much I’ve seen. I don’t have any conclusive results, yet (in a personal sense), but I have a lot of new perspective, and anticipate taking some much-needed me time before heading back to the States, and determining my next direction and set of personal priorities.

I have two forests to go in terms of those that I absolutely must finish sampling, and four total. One is a tiny one-day affair, and the first two are sizeable. We’ll get them done, though, because where there’s a will, there’s a way, and I have nothing if not will power. In fact, some days I think I have nothing but willpower.

8 forests down, 4 to go, and 15 days (at absolute most) to get it all done in. 16 days to American food and my family and friends, 17 days to the beach, and 24 to Yale. I feel so content, so good, so ready. Let’s get this shizzle over with, eh?

Namaste,
-M-

Biha, Nepali Style

It all began with several meters of magenta pink gauze, adorned with a meandering line of golden thread, encrusted with hand embroidery and little shiny blue sequins, all stitched in together to mimic flowers and vines. Add one jumbly, bouncy-jouncy plane ticket, two arms worth of choraa (bangles), and spin. Slowly. While Kanchan’s mom wraps me in the most beautiful fabric I have ever seen. Gorgeous magenta. Tulle-like, almost a ballerina, without the big flouncy skirt. Gita efficiently and diligently tucks the top of the fabric into my petticoat, a small, plain skirt I happily wore as I secretly danced around Kanchan’s room, just the petticoat, the little tightly hooked top, size 8 high heels on size 10 feet, and me. I feel like a princess. A Nepali princess.

This is not the point, but this is where my recollection starts. I remember magenta gauze, and contemplations of love and marriage. Which, I’ll have you know, go together like a horse and carriage.

Sudarshan is getting married. Hitched, as it were. Sudarshan is my friend from Yale, a wonderful Nepali man who was one of several Nepali friends to help orient me to this country, his home. And now I am wrapped in pink gauze like a present sent straight from Barbie’s Dream House, and headed to his wedding. The world is so strange and wonderful. So  unpredictable.

Tuesday night at 8:18pm I get this text:
“Hi Meredith, i tried to call u but with no success. I got engaged n getting married on friday. U are invited for friday and saturday. I’ll call later for details.”

I am intrigued. Perplexed. Elated! A wedding! In Nepal? But wait – to whom?!

An arranged marriage, I find out Wednesday morning, as I struggle with the moral implications of scratching field plans for three more days. I am a bad scientist, I think, but a good friend. I will have to remember to tell my advisor that, if he asks.

These are three short days, I think. Damn – there will be no sari for me. I told Kanchan to get married so I could wear a sari to her wedding, but she is as yet unpersuaded. Now there is no time to have my own made, and I’m mildly (very mildly) chagrined. I’m an outdoorsy, tough-girl, feminist who really likes to dress up. But after I decide I can’t afford to miss this amazing event, to which I have been so kindly invited, I realize I must fly tomorrow, to attend on the next day, which means there is no time to have my princess dress custom stitched.

Chaos. Bits of research mingle with a trip to Bagar at the other end of Pokhara – “Rekhadidi can I borrow a sari?” Tiny Rekha and I are optimistic until I try to cinch the top. No deal. My big American shoulders (and Grandma Trainor’s flabby upper arms) are not convinced that Rekha’s tiny blouses are meant for them. And in fact, they’re not. Rekha frantically buys me a plane ticket when I say all too calmly that I will pick one up tomorrow. No go. Thanks to Rekha I have the last ticket available to Kathmandu all day tomorrow, and got it by a hair. Crisis averted. I will be at the wedding, but maybe not dressed?

I pack a kurta suruwal, the traditional long shirt and trousers, but am quietly bummed not to dress in a culturally appropriate way (read: pretty). Like wearing jeans and a t-shirt to a black tie affair – maybe a visitor can get away with it, but it’s not exactly fitting.

The flight to Kathmandu is quick. You smelly, dusty, intriguing and complicated city – I am back. And so soon after leaving you. Ta-Da.

Glad to see Kanchan but she is busy –we both are. I buy much-needed topo maps before raiding her mother’s closet. Kanchan’s mother has a wardrobe full of saris. It is a little-girl-princess’ sweetest dream. I laugh and maybe even clap with elation. I was not the little-girl-princess – that was Rachie – but her nine year old incarnation would kill to play in this wardrobe. The fabrics are gorgeous, and the colors and patterns are vibrant. Just like Nepal.

I try on Gita’s custom-made blouses and they fit – it’s a miracle. None of us understand how, but we’re not too interested in trying. We find me a pink one (magenta!) and an orange one (creamsicle?) They are beautiful. Gita will help me put it on, so it doesn’t fall off, while Kanchan is at school and then work. Kanchan takes out all her gold jewelry and lends it to me so I will look like a real Nepali lady. I love her for it. She unwraps previously unopened packages of bangles for me, and lends me her favorite ring, made of an earring her grandmother had favored, which lost its pair. It is so beautiful I feel nervous. I never wear gold.

I am a perfectionist when dressing up. I want to replace my nose and ear piercing with gold like the Nepalis, but to do it right I’d have to switch the side (of my nose) with the piercing – Nepalis pierce on the left – I pierced the right. Someone should have told me that would be mighty inconvenient in Nepal someday, back when I went with a gaggle of first-year college girls to defy our parents and embrace our age. Bad planning.

I am swathed in pink tulle. Did I say that already? I take surreptitious photos of myself, which don’t come out right. I don’t care. This is fun, and I am so thankful to Kanchan and her mother for tolerating and enabling my desire to play dress up in their culture. Gita laughs that I am like a mannequin, I stand so still when she wraps the sari (itself just a long rectangle of fabric) around my waist and throws it over my shoulder. I am afraid to mess it all up, but they even have a matching bag. Cotton-candied-girly-happiness. I feel pretty.

Sudarshan’s wedding is phenomenal. I hesitate getting out of the car in the mud of the day (this is where I trip and fall, right?) but his cousin-brother proactively and kindly greets me and introduces me around. All male cousins are brothers, and all female cousins are sisters. This makes family introductions complicated but relationships sweeter. I walk into the venue, which has covered tent-walled patios, as well as a banquet hall. I am more nervous. Everyone is looking at me, I think, because I am a bideshi in a sari. Is it good or bad to want to look like you are of a culture from which you do not come?

I “Namashkar,” hands folded, until I’m pink in the face. Namashkar is Namaste with great respect. I don’t know who to greatly respect here, and so I greatly respect everyone. People are very kind to me about my “dherai sano” (very small) Nepali and pretty sari – they say both are “dherai ramro.” I think everyone else is looking pretty “dherai ramro” too. There are mostly elders there – we are waiting for the parade.

Forty minutes later a parade arrives. There are musicians – almost a drum core’s worth of drummers, brass, and a clarinetist who can whale. Or does he wail? They are amazing. I think they could school American professional musicians, they are so good. The drummers are just phenomenal, too. But they lose my attention. A white car drives up behind them, flanked and preceded by an extended family’s worth of women in auspiciously-colored red saris, all on foot. They come bearing gifts, like the three kings, except by the dozen, all foods carefully prepared and wrapped in red plastic wrap. And they are followed by Sudarshan.

The car is decorated with long strands of flowers and the initials ‘S & S’, written in streamers. Out steps someone whom I have never met before. He looks like a king, and holds himself like one, and it is just tremendous to behold. It is Sudarshan, and it is not. My friend who so innocuously wears jeans and American-style t-shirts is wearing a multi-colored (rangichangi!) pair of pants, shirt, and shoes, all made of the same woven fabric, the style of which is widely seen in topis (mens’ hats) here. He has a thick white band of fabric around his torso, from his upper ribs to the top of his hips, which seals the effect, emphasizing how lean and tall he is. Hair freshly cut, he wears a necklace made of grass around his neck, and another made of marigolds. His shoes are pointed and elfin slip-ons, and beneath the crest of his forehead, where his topi rests, there is a large tika, the deep red blessing his family, friends, and priest have begun to give him, which is made of rice mixed with yoghurt, red-dye, and other foods to make it stick. Sudarshan looks stunning. I am flabbergasted. It is unlike anything I have ever seen before in my life.

Perhaps nervous, he stands from the car and comes straight over to me, adoring friends and family watching with enthusiasm. I don’t know what to do – if he were American, or this were America, or any combination of the two, I would kiss his cheek, or hug him, but we are both in such very different roles from any for which I know the script. Does a woman in a sari hug a man about to be wedded? I play it safe and go with ‘no.’ Instead I stand feeling great fondness and awe and just gape. We talk about something that is nothing, like how I got there. I want to shout “Holy Crap, Sudarshan!” but smush it down inside. I attempt propriety.

Sudarshan gets married. It is a long process, and I am not supposed to be there. The women of the groom’s side (of which, on this day, I am one) are at his house, with his mother, who does not attend the wedding. They are wearing red in abundance, as I find out later, and they are dancing, and singing, and preparing the house for the arrival of the new resident – the bride. There are traditional tests to be set, foods to be put out, rice grains to be laid out in little piles on the floor. Ritual abounds.

Being a bideshi means I can stay at the wedding, though, and I watch rapt for almost all of the 5 hours it takes for the marriage ceremony to take place. I wish that I could write it out like the artist Maira Kalman would, and show it all in artistic glimpses, but I would never stop talking and my stories are already so long.

The rituals are glorious. There are relationships formed and broken; there are food and drink and tika prepared and drank and eaten and blessed and bestowed; there are tears on many sides, mine included. Ground is covered as the bride and groom walk around the center of the ceremonial space, with fire smoking in the middle; prayers read out at high speed by old Brahmin priests from both families; feet are washed; money given. The band trills and then builds with the emotion of the moment – I think they are playing my heartstrings like a movie would, as the music swells when Sudarshan puts an orangey powdery tika on the center of the forehead of his bride, the mark of a newlywed woman, which she wears only today – tomorrow it will be red. When he does it she cries. She left her family’s house this morning and will not return there to live again in this life. The transition, to my bideshi point of reference, is brutally abrupt. I think of how slowly I moved out of my own parents’ house, how unofficial the process is until the day when suddenly you realize that you do not live there anymore, and will not again.

The bride is gorgeous. She wears a red sari and copious amounts of beautiful gold,  her equally red veil flecked with shiny reflective sequins hanging low over her forehead, adorned by a gold ornament. Her hands are clasped much of the time, arms adorned with as many red and gold bangles as they can hold, and her gaze is fixed in a permanently downward direction, demure. I check in with Kanchan later – are Hindu women not supposed to look up or look excited while they are married? They are not. Oh good, I think. I didn’t know what to make of that. The next day I tell this to Sudarshan and his bride (who I see has beautiful eyes) and we laugh.

There is too much to tell. The wedding ends when the couple moves through a ritual to transition the woman’s primary relationship from her parents to her husband. She cries, and then when she gets into the car with Sudarshan, her mother sobs. Her daughter has left her home, and although she will see her again, this is for good. Sudarshan’s father brings a gorgeous, scripted, framed invitation to the young woman’s father, to invite him to the reception the former will host the next day. It is a formality, and the men embrace. Her father’s composure breaks at last, and my own chest shudders with emotion. The Nepalis are better prepared for this process –they anticipate the tears, even celebrate them gleefully as a critical part of the ceremony. I am crying silently between parked motorcycles, in a hot pink sari. It’s all so incredibly beautiful, and so devastatingly sad. I am so moved. I love ceremonies, although I don’t pay attention when I’m the one who is in them. My friend Anobha who is also from Yale and a Nepali tells me I will have to have a Nepali wedding, no matter who I marry. I tell her I’ll wear a red sari. It’s auspicious.

I’m a little obsessed with the saris.

I am invited back to Sudarshan’s house, and I go, although the sari is starting to feel like those party dresses my mother put us in when we were kids, with big silky bows that were so pretty until they were so annoying because I just wanted to be wearing pants. I remind myself to relish the opportunity to wear one, though, and I do.

I have no idea what I am in for at Sudarshan’s. We board a bus, rented for the occasion. I still hear the band. It reverberates in my head – god those drums were good. No, wait – it reverberates on the ceiling!! THE BAND IS ON THE ROOF OF THE BUS. I am ecstatic. I laugh out loud. Sudarshan’s extended family members grin at my pleasure, the young teenagers sing Nepali songs extra loud, and everyone we pass stops to look. Most smile and understand and share the joy. I can see a single black and white sneaker hanging over the edge of the bus’ roof, its owner trumpeting away as we sway and hustled through the bump and bustle of Kathmandu. This moment is surreal, I think. How phenomenal.

We stop at an intersection – everyone is getting off. I go with them. “Dance with me!” call Sudarshan’s bainiharu, his many cousin-sisters and cousin-of-cousin’s-sisters. We are to form our own parade, and walk behind the band, in front of Sudarshan’s car, to his home. What an event! I decide there will be a drumcore at my wedding. Where I will wear a red sari. And a tikka made of rice, dye, and yoghurt. And bangles.

I dance a bit with the bainis (little sisters) but feel sheepish, am afraid to step on my sari and inadvertently pull it off, am wearing shoes two sizes too small, and am already being stared at by everyone we pass. There is a GIANT bideshi wearing a sari in the procession! I think they must whisper. “She’s huuuge!” I tower over the festivities like the giant Uncle Sam on the 4th of July. I mostly don’t mind.

We have fun. The music is great. Everyone gets into it. Motorcycles roll by, dogs nip at heels, a cow eyeballs us and chews lazily. I stumble along the cobblestone road in my little heels, feverish with the immense heat, fun, and celebration. I am drenched in sweat. So is the sari. We get to Sudarshan’s house and we are dancing in the street, although it’s really a lane. I am pulled suddenly into the backyard by Sudarshan’s brother to do something that is a Nepali word I don’t know or catch. But I go willingly.

I am stunned moments later to find myself in the center of a 3 foot by 2 foot rectangle of uneven sidewalk space, surrounded by more Nepali didis (older women) than I can possibly conceive of. Every inch of space from five feet off the ground to two or three feet off the ground is occupied by a continuous sea of women’s faces, each one of them beaming and expectant. There is every age, size, type of dress – the women might as well be dropping in commando-style from out of the treetops, there are so many of them. And they are all in motion. They dance to greet the bride, to welcome her home.

In fact, as I look, I see there are in fact aunties on the rooftops, lining them to take in the festivities. It is hot but now we are dancing – the women sing and drum, so well, and in the center other women dance. I dance. My shoes come off. The purse is taken away. I just flow with it. I mimic the movements of my hostesses, and am dancing with Sudarshan’s mother. She celebrates in style, a long rope of seaweed-colored green glass beads running over shoulder and down around her opposite hip, like the sash of a proud mother. This is her day, too, and you can tell.

Our arms are up in the air, and our be-bangled wrists twist in circles to make the choraa flash and clink in celebration, as we spin in circles and the long tails of the saris arc gracefully behind. The Nepali women I can see delight in my participation, so I let myself go. I stop watching, and I just dance.

A short while later I manage to escape the ecstatic circle of celebrants, and video the meeting of the parties – the men come from dancing with one another in the front, the women from the back, and they meet on the walkway between the houses, where we crush all of the plants with the steps of hundreds of feet. The music builds, the newlyweds walk through the mix, bride with head-bowed, groom narrowly avoiding being swept into the dancing crowd. Only his side and his family is present today – the bride’s family is at home, quiet, and a little sad.

There is more ceremony before the bride can enter the house, and when she does she steps from circular pile of rice and grains to circular pile, as if they were flagstones in a garden walk. When she enters Sudarshan’s room she must find her key to the home in a pile of rice, and Sudarshan’s mother tests her new daughter-in-law, kindly. I note with happy warmth the kindly way in which the women in particular receive the new family member – they have been here before. They know the fear and the hope and the excitement, and they are even gentler to the bride than the extended family’s men are, when they give the newlyweds their gifts. Every family member gives Sudarshan and Santa an envelope or a gift apiece. Santa’s job is to lay her forehead to the giver’s bare feet, in thanks, but many of those gifting catch her forehead in their hands, which both suffices and provides a reprieve, and also a benediction. The women in particular catch her forehead higher than the men, sometimes bowing to her instead, and smiling generously into her eyes. “Don’t be scared,” I think their eyes say. “We receive you with love.”

The gifts of the immediate family take a long, long time, and I am exhausted. I sit in the small room in a privileged seat, next to the bride and groom, that I may take it all in. At the end Sudarshan arranges a ride for me back to the road, and instead, I am taken all the way back to Kanchan’s. I am so thankful, because I am so, so tired.

And so the gorgeous day, full of so much mystique, intrigue, and ceremony, closes on me thus:

A bideshi, swathed in a length of pink fabric, now moist with the sweat of a hundred emotions and about as many dance steps, gathers her sari between her legs, clasping the extra fabric tightly there to prevent it from becoming entangled in the wheels of the motorcycle, and sits precariously, carefully, elatedly side-saddle, on the back of the young uncle’s motorcycle. Oversized feet peeking out of high heels are tucked precipitously sideways onto the slender platform for tiny, graceful Nepali feet, and off we go. Into the night, side-saddle, a blur of pink and pale white skin, heels hooked in wherever they’ll fit, one hand on the man’s shoulder, another on the back of the seat, holding on, hard. People turn to look in surprise at the bideshi in a sari, on the back of a bike, and away into the dusk and chaos of Kathmandu’s traffic we drive, fast, as my heart simultaneously clenches down with fear and leaps out of me with the sheer joy and elation of the moment, and the day.

And that, my friends, was the end of Sudarshan’s wedding.

-M-

The Not-So-Short Version of the Long Story of How I Found Myself at Yale

Coming to Nepal, for me, had a lot to do with happenstance, and a long series of questions I had to work through before returning to school to begin my graduate education.

I applied to Yale University’s School of Forestry and Environmental Studies last year after a long research process, during which I wasted untold amounts of time reading extensively about graduate programs and faculty members, and spent too little time just emailing and speaking with the professors with whom I thought I might want to work, which is what one should actually do if one wants to go to graduate school and pursue a Ph.D. In the end I decided on about four programs to apply to for a Ph.D. in Forest/Natural Resource Management, and tacked Yale on as an afterthought, at first, because I loved the sound of their program but would only be considered for a Master’s, since I didn’t yet have one. I thought this policy of Yale’s to be an obviously archaic remnant of a past in which attending graduate school was both rarer and cheaper, and it annoyed me. Professors I had worked with in the field in several different states had told me for years, at that point, never to pay for graduate school, so I was not really even open to considering Yale, to tell the truth, nor did I think I would necessarily get in.

In perhaps a telling move I did, however, drive a rental car the seven hours from DC to Connecticut to attend an open house in December of 2008, and promptly fell right in love with it. To me the air was electric with the possibility of progress in the conservation field, and the community was rich with a wide diversity of people and perspectives. The day I spent at Yale was gorgeous, and everything it should be on such a historic campus. As our program ended around 4pm I remember looking out the window to see thick, lush, plump white snow coming down in what might be fairly termed a blizzard, frosting the historic campus and all of its beautiful stonework with the kind of snow that is straight out of a Christmas movie. I, who since moving to DC had been craving a proper winter, and some decent snow, felt it get bumped up a notch in my list of priorities right then and there, and rationalized myself into promoting it to a pseudo “safety school” in case I was not admitted to a Ph.D. program, and decided I would apply.

This is where we will begin to take the condensed version, for in addition to being a cumbersome part of my personal tale, many of the people likely to be reading this blog, at its beginning, already know the story. A handful of days before the application due dates began to come upon me in January of 2008, fate and my personal life (perhaps I should say my love life) conspired to throw me a wicked curveball, and for reasons not worth going into, my life plan was abruptly altered. In the end I applied only to Yale before I completely lost my momentum, for it had the earliest deadline, and then did not apply to any of the other schools I had invested so many hours in researching and contacting. Generally a strong writer, I completed a terribly sub-par, half-hearted, un-edited essay the night that the application was due, hit submit right as the deadline struck, lay down on the floor of my bedroom, and cried. Submitting the application in this way wasn’t how I’d planned for things to go, and in a protracted moment of vulnerability I no longer felt sure that graduate school was what I wanted, or needed. I suddenly found that I, with all my short-term plans and long-term derivations, who always was heading in dozens of different directions and fully expected to pursue them all, didn’t know what I wanted any longer, and didn’t much care what I needed, either.

So it was that I went on with life, transferring into a short-term contract job for the few months I had expected to have to myself before summer and a return to school, and didn’t think about what was next. I was so disenchanted and lost that I pretty much forgot I had applied to Yale altogether, to be truthful, with the exception of a slight morbid curiosity that I felt around the time when the applicants were to hear back from the school. It occurred to be that being rejected from the only school I had applied to, the one that I had originally thought would be my backup plan, would really be the bitter frosting on the nasty little cake I was eating, in those days. And so finally, one Friday afternoon after a long week of work, when I was in the process of summoning my willpower to kick in that last hour of productivity, my phone rang with a 203 number and I rapid-fire googled to see if I wanted to take the call. It was the area code for New Haven, Connecticut, where I knew not a soul other than the admissions people and a smattering of professors, from Yale. When I hesitantly answered I was brightly greeted by the Director of Admissions from FES, and wondered briefly and seriously whether they now did rejections in person, over the phone. If so, I thought, this Yale University might actually be the world class institution everyone seemed to think it was.

The end of the story should seem obvious, given previous posts that announce my presence and affiliation, but my path had more twists in it than one might guess. I was of course being called to be notified I had been accepted (to my mild shock), and I remember managing the call very professionally and calmly, as if it were a work call, perhaps seeking to prove to myself and to this admissions director who had just given me her benediction that I was worthy of the gift. After I got off the phone I stepped away from my desk, flopped on my bed, and just stared at the ceiling fan for awhile, not shouting or laughing or running to tell my roommates, but just trying to work my mind around it, with a little smile slowly spreading across my face. I think I cried a little then, too.

Shortly after that lovely Friday afternoon phone call I received my financial aid package, had a serious conversation with my parents about finances, debt, and financial priorities, and decided I would decline. The cost was atrocious, I had been awarded no scholarships or grants, not even a Student Asisstantship, despite having only made $30,000 the year before, and only having about $5,000 in the bank.  Although I could apply to a myriad of scholarships and grants, there was no guarantee I would actually be awarded one (and I wasn’t feeling optimistic given the fact I’d received nothing from the school), and the process of applying would be horribly time-consuming. I began to tell my closest friends this news, and one by one, they (or you, for those who are reading) began to tell me that I was, in fact, and contrary to my own opinion, going to Yale. I cherish the memories of these conversations, for at a time when I didn’t recall what I wanted or needed for myself, my friends recalled what I wanted and needed for me.

I had two particularly memorable conversations at this point. The first was a night out at my former roommates Brighton and Fred’s then-new house, with Julius and Rachel, our friends, all of whom know me pretty well. At that point I had been accepted for short enough time to still be shocked, and long enough to know I was not going to go. And as I told this to my friends over candlelight, pizza and a particularly tasty bottle of red wine that I’d be willing to bet Julius picked out, Fred, who was still fresh from work in his slacks and button-up shirt, looked at me fondly through thin, wire-framed glasses, leaned back into his chair, crossed his long legs in front of him, arms draped lazily over his head, and said with great finality in his big, deep voice, “Meredith: you are going to Yale.” And one by one the others repeated it, little smiles on their faces, with the two boys taking the lead on laying out the argument for why I would go to Yale, and relish it, and not worry about the details (also known as $70,000 of new debt). I remember being a little shocked and peevish about not being taken seriously for my “decision,” and then looking around at their supportive, bemused faces, and just feeling really loved.

In the days that followed I felt persuaded to want to go for the reasons they had laid out, but paralyzed by fear of the debt. And so I called Greg, my best-friend and most brilliant sounding board, whose judgement I trust so deeply that he is often both judge and jury on my hair-brained ideas, to see if I could make my argument against going cleanly enough that he would allow it to pass muster. I think, in hindsight, that I was looking for his permission to give up. I also think that were he to have given it to me, I actually might have. So we talked through the numbers, the ideas, the value added to my person and thinking and lost to my credit. And Greg, with whom my friendship has crisscrossed thousands of miles and several continents without a moment’s hesitation, whom I almost never see in person for more than a day’s time, but who is always my first phone call with news both substantial and trivial, unknowingly reiterated my DC friends, verbatim: “Mer: you’re going to Yale.”

And then he made three good points. The first, that if I came to the end of my life, and looked back, and was wondering what might have gone differently had I done otherwise, going to Yale would surely be on the list, were I to decline. The second, that the way our economic system is set up in America, we will always carry debt from some loan or other, between our cars, our homes, our payment plans, our education, and the like, so what nobler reason to acquire this debt than to educate yourself, and in so doing enrich your life? When I replied that I wanted to buy a house, in some eventuality, and would have to put off doing so for several years (an argument that held significant water with my mother), he brushed it aside. If you’re going to be in a position to be making payments to others for the rest of your life, he argued, why not start by paying for an experience that changes the way you experience the world? Plus, it wouldn’t kill me to rent. And finally, not quite a rationale so much as an ultimatum, this friend of mine who is closest to me in the world, probably the one and only for whom, were he to suggest I should go jump off a bridge, I would at least go to the edge to look and see what was under the bridge and take it under consideration, said in the most dead-serious, and convincing tone he could muster, “And, seriously, seriously Meredith, I’m not going to be your friend if you don’t go.”

These two stories still make me grin, and will warm my heart for a very, very long time. Nonetheless, unable to render a decision so big from the midst of my life in DC, I decided the last weekend before the decision was due to rent a car, and took off straight after work for a weekend alone in Shenandoah National Park, where I would do a three-day solo backpack through the park before I could come to a decision that was truly mine. Influenced more than a little bit by my yoga practice, where you are invited to “declare (to yourself) an intention for your practice” which you will focus on resolving through the movements and meditation, I decided the trip was in fact a meditation in itself, and that while walking I would figure out what I was going to do about this Yale nonsense I’d gotten myself into. I cringe a little to share all this detail (so much for a short version, eh?), but it is the true evolution of me getting myself back to school, no matter how hippie-dippie-earth-mama or cheesy it sounds. The intention I settled on for my walk was for me to make this decision about my future, and stick to it.

And so early on in the second day of my hike I came across a little stream, beautiful, cool, and clear in the sun, and sat down on its banks, and just stared into it for a little while, deciding to start with square one – what did I love to think about most in the world? What provoked me? What goals did I want to work towards in my life? I worked slowly through the re-establishment of my identity all the way through to the last question, which was “what do I need to do next to be able to work effectively on the thing (environmental conservation, and the way people interact with natural resources) I had identified as mattering most?” And so when I got up three hours later, I was going to Yale.

-M-